A Single Ray of Hope

I was just about to give up on my life and was planning on starting anew, never a great idea when you're a loner. Until I checked my mobile phone.

4 missed calls

Ok. I checked to see who it was and a number came out. Great, I have no idea who you are. A few minutes later...I recieved a message from the same person, it turned out to be HER. Yes, I will keep her anonymous. Surprising, really. Who would've thought that she was trying to contact me. For that one moment in time, I felt happy. As flattered at the attention as I was, I did not forget that this was the girl who is known as the ICE QUEEN(to my knowledge, she fits the description of one). She was the girl that I really hated having a crush on, because I only see her exterior, not the real person within. I feel that, if I loved her, I would be disrespecting her, for I only loved her looks. That is why I really hate it when I get that loving feeling when I think of her. We SMSed for hours, and within that time, I had asked for forgiveness because I avoided her during our graduation ball. She knew that I was avoiding her, and she felt bored that night even though she WAS the Queen of the Night, because nobody made it memorable for her. Well, I apologized for not trying to make memorable for her.

WAIT!!!

What the-? What am I saying?! Arghhhhhh. Foolish heart, heed my warning. You've been wrong before! But in the end, it all comes down to how I play my cards, whatever happens, I should be able to contemplate on my moves. Will I end this inkling of love? Is it only an inkling? Am I lying to myself and not reading my cards right? What do I really feel? I don't know...

But right now, I am happy that it was her trying to make contact. Not me.

My Purpose

It was as clear as daylight that I have certainly changed. If it were the old me, I wouldn't know how to handle a cat-fearing person being slowly invaded by cats. Hehehehe. I'm not laughing at the person, I'm laughing because I changed! wOOt for me! I 4m t3h l33t h4xXxorz! I felt proud, for I was able to help that person, even though s/he didn't get over his/her fear of cats. That's for another time. You need a little sensitivity sometimes.

Anti-thesis

Well, I just had that frozen heart when I am with people I like. It just shows. Its inherent. I have to change. I really have to see the good and the bad and the ugly. And I have to accept that people are like that. That's what I lack, acceptance. I need to change! So much for being a changed man, I change too slow.

Ads

Well, I think I may just have found that Lodestone, that funnel, that direction I was looking for. I met an old friend, Ads, in today's fateful "Rookie Camp". Many things happened, but this HAD to be the highlight of my day(aside from 2 other MINOR highlights). I was really surprised, because I never expected to meet him. It was such a kick in the rear for me, a super flashback. What have I been doing all these years? I can't believe I just let a BIG part of my being vanish like that. Now it has reappeared, just like everything else, I don't want to lose it again. He gave me yet another reason to work real hard. I think he has a hole in his heart, but I'm not sure. I can't really tell, but I felt sad when he told me all about IT. I wish I knew what he felt. I've been such a happy little helper nowadays, I can't turn a blind eye on the problem. But, how to approach it? All these questions, I want to sleep.

Block

I have mixed feelings towards my blockmates. Some of them, I really like. Some, well, Mixed feelings. I really hate the way our blockhead acts, is it just me or is he really rude? And that COMMENT, I still haven't gotten over it. It's all I get to think about when I see her. How annoying. I want to like her, there is a part of me that does, but everytime, there is an even bigger part of me telling me that she is another one of those shallow people I so despise. All because of that COMMENT. Ugh. I have to think about this. Deep inside, the bigger question is, "Who should I go for, the Ice Queen that I think likes me(a real stretch here) or this girl that I think likes me(another stretch)?" They have pros and cons, but I really have to think, because the Ice Queen is slowly winning!

The First of Many, In My Eternity

Failure. That is the word of the day. Failure. I failed. They failed.

I failed my friends in the Rainbow Bridge in Kyrgyzstan. Weren't they enough of an inspiration for me to work hard and study well and get good grades? Apparently not, since I failed so miserably, it wasn't even funny. If it wasn't funny, then why did I Laugh when I failed that test? What was so enjoyable about failing? Was it because I wasn't the only one who failed so miserably? Why would I laugh at their demise? I was not brought up to laugh at other people, unless they were really funny.

It was a defense mechanism.

I laughed because my mind just can't take anymore stress. I HAD to laugh, because I couldn't believe that I failed, again. How pathetic. After I had put on layer upon layer of coldness and impartiality over my being, after I thought that I had grown beyond my years mentally, I was nothing but a 17 year-old human through and through. How pathetic.

How pathetic!

I need to work harder. As much as I have grown, it is still not enough for the burden that I now carry. I am now not only limited to my country's problems, but to the problems of the world. It's hard bearing this burden, but that is the only way. Don't get me wrong, many other people in this world carry the same burden, but they are way better off than me. My burden is a lot harder to carry because of my surroundings. The people passing by, the people you see everyday. Most of them fail to see the big picture.

One man's treasure is another man's trash

It was very painful for me to see peers laughing at my treasured items. Just this morning, two of them noticed my necklaces. The first necklace was a charm made from clay(I think), they laughed at it. I bet they didn't believe that it was from Kyrgyzstan. And then they noticed my pin, it came from Ola. She was a very sweet girl, very happy. She gave me hope for the future generation. They disrespected it, taking every fact that I have said as if I was a special child. And then there was the Obsidian cross given to me by Anush. They wanted to arbor it. THE NERVE! How dare they ask something like that to me? Maybe its this generation. Maybe that is why they act like that. Skin-deep sympathy. But who am I to judge? Didn't I swear that I would bring peace to this planet?

This Generation

This generation...why do I have to fall in love with girls of this generation? There has only been very few that have really shown me the promise of forever. The others seem to be girls for playboys. Hell, this is college! This is where it gets serious! C'mon! Aren't you mature already? Geez. I really want to find the one. The one that doesn't have a boyfriend. The one. The one that I love. The one that I'll love, even though she's not the same person I fell in love with. The one that I'll be most happy to let go, as long as it will make her even happier. This kind of mindset will make me a freakin' bachelor. If this is the generation that the one will come from, then I will search for her, silently, but never will I pass up a chance to see if one person is for real. She may be the one.

For Real

Nobody believes that I am for real. None of my new blockmates think that I am the man that I am. They think it's just an act, all of it. From my passion for dance, to my theory of life and love. It's all an act. I'm just a show-off. I just want to impress the girls. Yadyadayada. Stuff like that makes me want to kill myself. I live for the people of this planet. If they do not need me, then I should just die, for there is no other reason for me to exist and live. I used to think that my classmates in highschool were from a different generation because I was born a year before most of them. They have different views in life. Who would have thought that it was I who was from some ancient generation. I was the odd man out. I was the wrong in their world. Somehow, being with them made their world a lot harder to live in. My ideals were for real, but in their world, they were not to be.

Well, there you go. That's what I have in my mind currently. It's up to you to decide if I am for real or not.