Psychic Wall

I've hit a wall. I can't even think clearly now. Am I once again feeling love? Maybe. Just maybe. There you go again, Mr. Heart, thank you for being such an idiot! It really hurts when I contemplate, and realize that I can't contemplate. I think I've hit a wall. A wall made of powerful Psychic Energy. But I have a different feeling from before. I don't feel desparate for answers to my questions. I'm not as distressed as before, I've gotten a hold of my emotions now. But still, my mind isn't as clear as it was months ago. Maybe because I haven't been blogging. It feels like I've been neglecting this part of me for a very long time. What can it do that friends or diaries/journals can't do? Be online to be seen by the world. The fact that I'm willing to risk my relationships with other people just to be really frank and un-backstabbing has helped get loads out of my head. But, yeah, I haven't been in this place for quite a while, I miss it.

I realize that the Psychic Wall has been put up because I have allowed myself to mingle with people like my upperclassmen, some blockmates and that's all. Now, you might think that I'm being dodgy by not naming names, but, everyone hasn't helped my Psychological growth. No, not Joy Dee, she's been quite unhelpful to this aspect of my life for some time now. Dana? No, we haven't had a serious talk in ages. The last time was that candle-lighting prayer rally of some sort a few months ago. Oh how I miss that. How I miss talking about the things that make us "tick". Right now, it's all covered with a layer of mundane and trivial things. I sure hope that I get a good, decent and fulfilling conversation during our final rites. Suddenly, I have something to get over that Psychic Wall.

It's been a little over a year since my beautiful time in the Rainbow Bridge camp. I've just been reading the stuff they posted on our e-group. Damn. My friend, Sasan can really sum up what I really feel right now, "I miss the spiritual atmosphere." Oh yes, I really do miss it. It's spiritual. I thought and thought about my life and where I stood back then. Here, no. Too many things happening. I need a place to think. Somewhere.

I haven't had any contact with Hannah for over 3 weeks. Yes, it's only Hannah now, though I still can't say that in front of her. Why, you ask? Well, if I kept it at "Miss Hannah", I would be building up a barrier. It would be hard for me to feel closer to her, ok? So that's my answer. I'm a bit worried, it might just revert to the old state of things. I don't want that! I'll keep on trying to contact her, even though I have no pressing matters to attend to. When you're friends, wanting to keep in touch is already a reason for contact.

I'm not going to back down to this wall. No one should. We all just have to make a way to overcome it.

The Light Before We Land

"Without a premonition, could you tell me where we stand?"

It's very interesting. This is what we should be asking ourselves. Who knows where we are and where we'll be? Do you know? Well, I don't. But I want to find out. All I can say is, we don't want to be here.

Nursing, anyone?

Yes, I never thought about being a nurse now that it has turned into a cash cow. Damn it! I loved Nursing. I wanted to help people. Not that Nursing now doesn't help people, it just helps those people as a by-product of the "REAL" people that you help, your family. Why do they send their children to Nursing schools or Nursing courses? Is it for their kids, so that they'll have lots of moolah to live a comfortable life? Or is it for themselves, because all children have this super secret and ingrained debt to their parents? It can't possibly be both. Nope. No sir. In my mind, I know the answers, for they are my own, but I want to know what other people think. Is it easy to become a nurse? Why not let the kid decide on his/her own? It's his life, right? You've lived a large chunk of yours, why live the lives of others? In the end, it's all about the MONEY.

Sadness and guitars

Well, It's been almost two weeks since I last posted, my longest absence in my blogging history. What does that signify? Simple, I've not much angst and hatred towards the world as of late. I didn't need an outlet like a blog because I have been outside there in the world, dealing with my anger(if any) in a more social way. But yes, I need to tell you all about the guitar that looms over me.

BASS GUITAR with a MULTI-EFFECTS STEP-ON to boot. A truckload of money, please!

The thing is, I want it. But I don't have money for it, so, I go to my mom for financial help and of course since it is a Bass Guitar that will probably be at home, I need some clearance, right? That's so minor, anyway.

The big issue in my life right now concerns my cuz. She's losing sight of her purpose in life. She also happens to be afraid of confrontation. That's why she won't find a sympathetic person in me, because whatever I say to her is really not her cup of tea. That's why she listens to my bro, because he tells her what she wants to hear! How does that help????? Tell me, oh, please tell me. And now she wastes her days increasing her social circles, but is she ever truly accepted in any of those? I'll blame her because she really sucks as a person. How meaningful are all those things that she does in her life? She doesn't care, really. She has never felt the pains of the real world. She has a superficial outlook in life, it only gets a little deep when she shows her devotion to cats. But really, she has a secluded life. She has never put her life on the line for others. She's too paranoid. A product of backstabbing girls in all girls schools. In the end, society is to blame for every single thing she has done wrong. Except for her immaturity. GROW UP, MARIELLE! THIS WORLD NEEDS YOU, BUT NOT IN YOUR CURRENT STATE OF MIND! FORGET THE COMPLICATIONS OF CIRCLES, FIND THAT CIRCLE OF FRIENDS THAT ISN'T A MASQUERADE! LIBERATE YOUR MIND, DAMN IT!

Venting out frustrations is great, but of course, what I have typed down here, I say to the people they are addressed to. In real life, no less. Is it so hard to be frank and discreet at the same time? No. Of course not, just stay on topic and know what can hurt others. Avoid hurting others more than necessary. Simple rules of engagement. They are a lot harder to master, though. Oh so very hard.

"Without a premonition, could you tell me where we stand? I'd hate to lose this light before we land."

What is that light? The light of hope maybe? Yeah, most probably. It's all about making decisions, without a sure outcome of our actions.

I feel scared. I haven't recieved any reply from my friend in Kyrgyzstan. I miss her so much. She is a great person that the world must know about. I need to know what happened to her this past year.

By the way, the Song, The Light Before We Land, is great. You should listen to it if possible.