The Eternity He Wished For

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Lance Armstrong has done it again.

Seven Tour de France titles in as many years.

No, that's not impressive, it is such a mundane thing.

A Cancer survivor first, Lance Armstrong became an inpiration to other sufferers. But to me, he was also an inspiration. No, I don't have cancer, but I know who has. She's very close to me, so close, that I feel her presence everytime I breathe, I walk, I lie down to sleep. The Philippines now is suffering from cancer, the social cancer. A war of attrition, a civil cold war, whatever it maybe called, we will never win. Contrasts in views leads to misunderstanding and annoyance, then it becomes irritation, and finally, anger.

In the famous words of many a person, "Can't we all just get along?"
I feel that we can, I believe that we can, but most don't believe. They ask for equality and the end of class struggles, but yet they refer to themselves as the down-trodden, talk about ending it. Because they think like that, THEY are the ones making the partitions, they are the ones who divide the people, they are the ones who show bitterness and closed-minded thinking.

Elitists are the same. Their hearts are closed to the grimy-looking, uncouth masses. Why? Because they are afraid of them, not because of anything the poor can do to overthrow them, but because they think they are uncivilized and dumb. Their features are awful, teeth skewed to the left and right, eyes that bear hunger, messy hair, an aura that scares the more "refined" people of the Philippines. Trust me, in my heart, I am part Elitist.

It has spread to the whole archipelago, the Pearl of the Orient has lost its luster. This cancer, no scientist can come up with a cure, for everything is rejected.

I wish Lance Armstrong were here. I'm inspired by his story, and I'm not a cancer patient.

I'm feeling it now, that hate-the-world feeling that I always get when everything just falls apart. No, I can't stop it, but I am currently striving to overcome it.

"Cancer was the best thing that happened to me."

How many people can say this? How many have said it? It is a fact, though, that we only improve ourselves through dilemmas, for it tests us. If we get through it, we will be much better versions of ourselves. Truly.

Now, the State of the Nation will be Addressed by the President, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. I sure hope that she will face problems with maturity and logic. And I hope that the Filipino people can accept reality, be it Ballot theft or not.

Question to the Filipino people: You live in this country, under its laws, laws made by those who revolutionized our country, the same people you follow today. But why is it that you think Impeachment is tainted and untrustworthy, prefering to take matters into your own hands, saying that you are the ones who have the right to remove anyone, disregarding the Constitutional process that Impeachment brings forth. If you have no faith in this Constitution, why are you still here, when you are not respecting your own rights?

Closure

Yes, my friends, closure is at hand. No. It has already closed. That closure I was talking about a week ago, was, well, resolved in a way that not even I could have imagined.

Wednesday was that day. I didn't know how it happened, but it just did. Miss Hannah was there. We talked, but the difference was, I didn't initiate the conversation. I wanted to ignore her, but instead, she was the one who called out to me. I had to talk to her, even though I swore to never try to patch things up. So we talk, it was so casual. I couldn't bear that, so I told her my pain. I poured it all out, all that frustration, all that sadness. She got hurt, as expected, but then she said something I never predicted anyone would say.

"I don't know where this is going." "If you want to hold grudges, that's fine by me"

Kapow. What a slap to the face that was. She said it loud and clear, at that moment, she suddenly became somebody I didn't know. Here I was saying all those harsh things to her and all my sadness about trying to rebuild but working alone and stuff, and she tells me that she doesn't understandwhy I'm telling her all this. She only knows that I'm hating her at that moment. At that moment, I was a silly child. Really, I felt stupid after she said that. Why was I so worked up? Why was I angry? Suddenly, I realized that I was angry at nothing. That I was taking all of my anger and frustrations out on her behalf, on our friendship's behalf. Those lines made me stop for a moment. It told me that she was VERY angry at me, too. At that moment, something came over me. An impulse. I didn't want her to hate me! I didn't want to lose her. When push came to shove, I never really wanted her out of my life. I didn't want her to hate me. At that time, I turned from a raving madman to a scared child. She showed me a side of her that I have rarely seen, that side that told me, "Hey, I'm older than you, so I know a lot more than you." She was wiser, she has always been wiser and more contemplative than me.

After that, I let all that anger go, for I knew what was more important to me. And I asked her if I was her friend.

Yes, I still am her friend.

Thank You, Miss Hannah, for being yourself. But I won't lie to you, you are my first love after all, so yes, I DO still love you. But I know that you don't want to hear that from me, so yes, I'll just keep to myself but I'll be truthful whenever I'm asked who I love. No, I'm not that scared of falling in love anymore, but I don't want to freak you out by confessing and then getting all clingy, a friend told me her experience with such a person and then I realized I was no different. But yeah, I'll say those words, because I can and because they are true. Please bear with me.

Hannah, I LOVE YOU.



P.S. ehehehe, I'll get to that story very soon, I promise it to be heart-wrenching!

Give Me A Break!

Why, oh why, do such phenomenon exist in our world? How many times have you seen this?

The Plot:
A boy, shy, not so handsome, is pure-hearted, has perverted tendencies meets this girl, a cheerful, extremely beautiful, extremely developed physique, in a very compromising situation; i.e. while she was changing her clothes. It turns out that fate plays hardball and lets them keep on bumping into one another in INCREASINGLY compromising situations. The guy really likes the girl, but he can't say it to the girl for reasons we all know. But the situations they are involved in bring out the pervert in him, thus ensues a battle of morality. Now, the guy is really anxious about what the girl feels for him. The girl gives mixed signals, many of them thoughtfully sweet and enticing, and some of them very disheartening.

How many times do we have to read this kind of story? And sometimes its a harem-type plot. Multiple girls. Wheeeeeeeeee. But we all know that the first girl she met will always be the one the boy will choose. There is no dimension. We've seen it in I"s, Ichigo 100%, Pastel, Love Hina(gasp!). Many more stories like these exist in Manga form. Not to take anything away from I"s, but I've seen better love stories, but rarely better artwork. I"s is okay until you read Hot Gimmick, then I"s becomes tiresome and annoying, the guy just can't grow that backbone! Ichigo 100% has that same thing. Will I take advantage of this girl that I feel really likes me? Heck, she's given all the signs! That's how it is. Sigh. I need something new. And Hot Gimmick suddenly vanished from that comicbook store that I was hoping had supplies. Aww man!

Hehe. If they ain't showing up, then I just have to make one up on my own. Go me.

Anyway, that's what got me frustrated for today. It's cuz I need a pick-me-up, but they are all just prolonged fairy tales. Where's Kimi ga Nozomu Eien! We need more of those! Oh, and that story, in a few days, when I have enough time to write.

The Eternity I Wished For

No. It didn't come true. None of my wishes ever come true anymore. In the Event that they do, they aren't what I expected them to be. But come to think of it, what kind of eternity did I wish for? Did I ever wish for something to last forever? I remember nothing. I do not know if I can ever decide what to do in my life right now. I keep saying, "Go on! You musn't give up!" But I can't do what I tell others to do. Am I angry? Maybe. Maybe I'm scared. No. I'm definitely scared. I just can't go on, singing that same old song, acting that same old way, losing that same old fight. I can't leave and start anew. That's why I chose to take Hapon 10-11. I wanted to finally learn all about Nihongo. To find some closure in my life. And that is why I must change and overcome those obstacles. I have to reshape the world, my world. Closure, just like what I have done to a very important part of my life.

Apology

My Dearest, those times
I spent with you, great memories all.
Serene and happy we were back then,
So how come, it had to end at all?

How were you able to withstand that storm
Alone, while they scorned our bond?
Not once did you leave me
Not once did I face them
And told them they were mistaken, I
Hid from you and proved them right.

I did not know of your strength back then.
My life was saved by the person I swore to protect.

Steadfast and true, you were always there
Outside in that storm for our friendship
Risking your fame and dignity. While I
Ran away. I know now that was wrong.
You must have been hurt when you

Saw me retreat when you approached. It was
Obvious that I forgot what friends are for.

Vast distances I traversed to avoid you.
Enveloping myself in the belief that it will save us both.
Ruined, our friendship was when we left.
Years have passed and yet, you resound in my mind.

So if I loved you now, would you accept me still?
Out of the blue, I bridged the gap, hoping that you too would
Rebuild it. I worked alone. The
Reality is, I am not part of your new world.
You are lost to me.



...........................



Shizuku. Silence. Silencio. With that final note, I say my good-byes and hope for the very best in your life, my dearest friend. I can never forget, but I will try to bear the pain always. I know you don't bear that pain, nor that wound.

Surely, most of my posts are filled with sadness and all that, but that is what I need to let go of. Happy moments in the present? There maybe, but all link to some painful event in the past. Why, just today, one of my sempai looked an awful lot like the Ice Queen. It really hurts me to see a semblance of that face, for I don't want to think about her. That Ice Queen is really a lot worse than me at saying things directly. Hehehe. I'm looking for a new one. It ain't funny, but I guess it is stupid and ridiculous.

So far, I only have nothing to look forward to, but I continue living. Hehe. Maybe next time, I'll post a story.

The Surrounding Darkness

Haha. So much for that ray of light, that glimmer of hope for my salvation. I am as lost as a man in the desert without a compass. The searing heat, the freezing cold. All of that I suffer alone. I may not be redeemable anymore, I can't pick myself up. What am I doing in my life? Why do I waste countless hours happy, when inside I have problems that need immediate attention. I need to clean up my act. I need to rebuild myself.

It is very painful to note that I have not been able to be any good use to my block. It's my freakin' nature, to be cold towards those who warm up to me. It's my damn friggin' nature. How annoying. I am belittled. My physical and mental abilities are belittled. How dare they laugh at my comment on Tennis being the tiring sport? They do not know anything about me and my wounded knees. Concluding that that was the reason why I took bridge. Are they implying that I am not athletic? The nerve. People who do know me would say otherwise, but they know that I can't keep my stamina up for too long. This generation really, really is testing my nerves. I am about to break, and it feels inevitable. It was never my aim to impress, but when they start to underrate me, then that is a different story.

The clouds are looming ahead. Dark clouds. Cumulo-nimbus clouds. They will bring rain. They will bring strong winds. They will bring houses down. I am not even a house, what chance do I have to withstand the forthcoming downpour? Slowly, sad, depressed and separatist thoughts are manifesting themselves into my mind. I can't seem to find the light. I don't even want to ask for help. I need it. Help. I need it, now. Moonreaver, do yourself a favor and ask for help. Speak your mind, just like what you preach to the other people. You can do that much. To that extent, you can do it all alone. Remove all the doubts and risk your dignity once more. But what if they don't sympathize? What if they can't fathom the problems that you face? It does not matter. Even if they do not listen, just go on and tell them. Isn't that how you live, through confrontation? What kind of ideal is that if you can't apply it to everybody?

Things are falling apart, but I must live still. Even though it is broken down, I can still live on. My mission is not yet accomplished. They are part of my mission, too. I cannot give up. I must not.

My longtime "love" problem has been resolved. After it had gnawed me and spat me out again and again. Yup, I felt that I was just a simple chew toy, being played around by this puppy. I can't believe that I believed that I had a chance. As usual, I lent an open ear and a hopeful heart. I was dismayed. Very, very much dismayed with her. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it and yet I fell for it. I knew it and yet I clung to an illusion of a dream of a hope that I thought I had. I can't believe myself. But i do know one thing, if she ever wants me, she will not be recieved. Ever again.

That's my little patch of darkness for now, have fun with your lives, I will make sure that you do.