The Reasons Why I Fail

It was a trying time for me since the last time I posted. I just messed up a lot these past few weeks, all to varying degrees of inexcusability.

Failure 1: Communication

I lost my way. What was I trying to do in my very hard college course? I wanted to break free from this shell of mine. I wanted to push myself to the utmost limits of human ability. But I was wrong. I didn't know that we are not created equal. The body is not a template which the mind makes unique, the body is unique as well. In the end, the shell I was trying to break free from was just a makeshift shell of the real shell. A sort of mock shell. A mock barrier or limit. It seems that I only set it so high so that I could attain it. But right now, I'm not trying to break the shell, mock or otherwise. I've lost the will to do anything. I try to make things right, just so I don't feel guilty.

That's my failure, I failed to communicate not only with myself, but also with others. I go on living, hoping that people would understand the situations they are in, but I always run away, because I am the messenger. I am the link. And I failed in being that link by being my self.

Eternity?

Let it be known that I have once stated that this blog is my eternity, this perception of reality is my eternity. If so, why did I vanish for so long? Why did it feel like all that momentum I built up all those months ago, just vanish (if I may be so redundant to say)?

Here is the long and the short of my whole deal, and possibly the fate of this blog rests in this post:

I lost it completely. <----That is the short.

This is the long:
I lost it completely. The need to pour out all my sadness, my pain, my anger. That's why I needed a blog when I started out in college, because everything was so new to me. But as the months rolled by, I found other outlets in order to relieve myself of grief. The blog seemed outclassed, because the outlets I have found are human interactions and conversations.

I lost my need for this particular outlet, because it takes so long to make and it doesn't really help me through hard times. It's a freaking blog, it's like a shrink, but even less interactive.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't drop my blog then and there when I found people to talk to about problems. I tried many times to make another post, at least one more, to show that this blog had some life left in it. Whenever I tried to type up something, I found myself blabbing about nothing.

There comes a time when I feel that some musical bands start making music that feels so alien. When they sing songs that feel out of their identity, and when you feel that they are just trying to pump out a money-making venture, when the soul of that band seems to be lacking. I feel that when that time comes, the band has lost their way. Maybe in the past, they were a bunch of friends who all got dumped by the same person; because of their combined sorrow and anger, they created music with a bit of a heartbroken vibe to it. It brought them success and people who love them. Now, that spark is gone, because the void created by the dumping was filled somehow.

I feel that even if I post on my blog, that post would destroy all that my blog stands for, therefore, it would destroy what I stand for. I don't have anything relevant to say. I lost all my anger and grief about the pain love brings or the sadness I feel whenever I see people who don't care about the little things. And many other things. Of course, I could have blogged about Magic or something, but I am lost, in all the meanings of the word.

That is the long version of it.

It might just be time to go back to blogging, but that may not be possible because of all the things I must accomplish. I miss this blog, for it carries my ideology and it reminds me of how I used to think. I was fearless, but looking at myself now, I am nowhere near what I was before, when my eternity began.

I wished for an eternity, but the problem now is that I have no idea what kind of eternity I wished for.